Next stage please....
I am heading into a time of uncertainty and I am not sure if my emotional numbness this week is a defence mechanism or a submission to ‘whatever will be, will be’. We all have ways of dealing with stress and seeing as I have already gone through my wallowing stage (last week’s blog) I must now be in the denial stage. This stage is actually quite pleasant and calm compared to the emotional chaos of the previous one. I just hope I have not swapped a sad wallowing for a delusional wallowing; although it is still a nice change none the less.
Of course it could be my new vitamins and meditation regime helping me cope, but I have doubts that they are having that big an effect so quickly; especially since my meditation can hardly be defined as a regime; having only attempted it twice. The only other thing could be that I have been taking my vitamins at a dangerously high dose and they are creating a euphoric effect – just went and checked (with my glasses on) and no; I am fine with my dosage.
So is it denial, am going through some sort of grieving process and then naturally going through the different stages? What’s next; anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance? So what am I grieving? Is it my identity through my employed work (still not at work yet) or is it deeper than that? Is it more about my perception of who I am? I am 47yrs old, and until a few weeks ago, felt pretty young. Now my body has me hobbling around my home looking like I have shit my pants; this new gait shouldn’t last forever, but it has me feeling (and looking) a lot older.
Okay, if I am grieving my youth, my identity and my body; the next stages should be very interesting! Right now, I will just enjoy the floaty feeling of denial and warm nothingness of today… for tomorrow I prepare to rage against the world (or a least write an angry journal entry).