Another week comes and goes with nothing too exciting to report, so again I am going to just share my thoughts and feelings (lucky you). I have had the opportunity this week to reflect on what my expectations on happiness are. Now I know that we are all supposed to be all ‘Zen’ like and say happiness is something that is created within each of us and that no-one else or (the horror…) riches can make us happy. But come on… I think either of those things becoming abundant in my life; could make me a little happier. And this is all self-inflicted too. I have worked very hard at honing my reclusive lifestyle and I think I have done an exceptional job at keeping people out of my life; but I have started to doubt the functionality of my plan in the past couple of weeks.
In the last week I have found myself fantasising about being part of a religious community; who upon hearing of my incapacities have rallied around me and showed up daily to clean my house, cook me meals and generally take care of me. Of course it would be unethical to engage a well-meaning group of people just to take care of me for free and realistically our different ideologies would end up being a problem. I also know that I would end up feeling intruded on and resentful. So what is it that I am hoping for? Do I want the human experience of nurturing and care or do I want free home help?
Which is closer to my happiness? Now on the other hand I have no ethical dilemma about the riches part! Money wouldn’t have expectations of me; I wouldn’t even need to talk to it. But… and it is a big but; without any emotional connection am I growing as a human being? I know intellectually it comes back to my fear of being disappointed or hurt by others (a childhood trauma thing), and maybe this is an opportunity to challenge myself? OMG, I just had a thought, what if I am continually sabotaging all my efforts to acquire financial security, until I learn my life lesson about trusting people? I wonder which faith does the best casserole?