My inner child is a spoilt brat
Today I am contemplating how my actions are contributing to my life. And I keep coming back to the same conclusion; I am not an enlightened, humbled spiritual being, calmly traversing through my life with the knowledge that everything happens the way it’s supposed to. I am closer to a narcissistic, impatient toddler-adult who wants what she wants, NOW! I try so hard to be grateful, but often I find my thoughts wandering into the dark and murky emotions of jealousy. Intellectually I know I am very lucky, I live in a society where I have choices and I am relatively healthy. So why is that not enough for me…. why is my inner toddler-adult having a tantrum? I have tried self-medicating with food, but it is never enough for her. I have tried tough love, but she is more stubborn than me (and I am not really consistent with my discipline). All that is left is a time out and while I would love to ground myself to my home, I don’t think my employer would accept my reasons for staying home as valid; “sorry Tuija can’t come in today, she had a tantrum on the weekend and now she has to stay home and think about her actions”.
So how do I stop validating the actions of my inner child; especially knowing the trauma I went through when I was young? Am I over compensating, knowing I cannot bear to hear her cry? I once had a dream where I was being followed by what I initially thought was a feral animal that kept howling in the shadows. In the end of the dream I was confronted by the small, scared little girl who was screaming in pain and sadness; me. That was many years ago and I have done a lot of therapy and self-reflection since then; so why am I afraid to say no to my inner child still? I over indulge her with comfort food, I keep her safe from strangers and do not take her out. But isn’t this another form of abuse, by pandering to her every emotional whim? God, I wish I was more enlightened. If I was; I could practice good parenting skills on myself and learn to say “no”. But alas, I am an average person trying my best in this world, so I go forth with full knowledge of my self-abuse, through over-indulgences and pray I make it through my inner-teenage years….