Feeling a little stagnant and a bit frustrated this week; I have never been patient if I have decided on something and then start moving toward it. I believe, I am by nature a pragmatic person (although have been known to procrastinate on uni assignments) and I am not afraid to roll up my proverbial sleeves and get on with whatever I need to do; to get whatever it is I need to do, done. BUT what happens when the universe had an altogether different time frame to me….? Am I afraid that if I lose momentum my plans or goals can’t be achieved? Or am I afraid that I do not have control over my own destiny?
I am aware I live with anxiety if I feel I am not able to predict what is about to happen and this understandably is a result of a childhood filled with trauma. It is so difficult to let go and allow my future to happen. There is that little girl still inside of me that does not feel safe if she isn’t able to predict what is about to happen (because sometimes, really bad things did happen). For ‘f#cks’ sake, I am competent adult, navigating on most days, a productive adult life. I intellectually know I am safe and that if ‘life’ threw me a curve ball, I know I am pretty resilient and could probably cope. So why is it so hard still to let go. I want to. I believe I would be open to more opportunities or I would notice other options if I wasn’t so busy trying to ‘see’ what could happen. Because that ‘could’ is filtered through a belief that it will be difficult and or that no-one will help me. What if I am missing all the ‘maybes’ – someone willing to support me, a door I closed because I couldn’t see behind it? So, maybe this slowing down of my plans is an opportunity to stop and breathe, observe and just wait and see what happens tomorrow…. I just might be pleasantly surprised.