I watched a movie about Amy Winehouse’s life last night and I was left with many mixed emotions. I am saddened by her death and in no way want to disrespect her life choices, but I found myself in the end, as I am sure was the film makers intent, feeling her downward spiral was pushed along by self-serving people in her life. The mixed emotion for me was; was she a complete victim in her life? At what point do we have ownership in our choices? The movie painted a picture of someone who grew up without boundaries and whilst this definitely would inform her expectations of the world around her; does it give up her accountability? But I cannot know how it felt to be her, or know what I would do living her life experiences. How do I know I would have a different life path, given the same pressures, self-worth or international exposure? All I do know is that we all do the best we can with the emotional tools we have.
I certainly have made bad decisions, good decisions and everything in between. Does that make me any better because I survived the journey so far? I have had people close to me who didn’t survive and I sometimes think of them as life’s collateral damage. They fought a good fight, but for whatever reason, a ‘happy’ life was beyond their reach and they became collateral damage. In the same sense then do I consider myself an emotional war veteran? And just like some combat veterans; I have a weariness with which I now travel in the world. Maybe I need to add a duffle bag to my pile of suitcases?